This expression is an attempt to heal and in doing so share the healing with you, as I follow what I call my core back to sustainable ways of life.

It takes between 30 and 90 days to detox THC out the body.  Previously I documented mood changes, eating patterns, sleeping patterns and thoughts, this time will be similar but more of a reality, than some information I’m trying to share for some purpose… this time it’s more than just a detox…we really should not blame any imbalance, or any one thing for all our discomfort.   Most people think my problem or whatever it is, is Marijuana, but this post, being the most personal thing Ive ever shared might change that perception.  It might change how you see yourself.  It feels right to share, to voice, to express.

My medical history, if it was recorded, apart from the file and its contents I walked out of a hospital with and destroyed, might tell you that a few years ago I was diagnosed as a borderline, manic depressive in need of psychiatric attention and prescribed medication also included something to slow my heart rate.  At that point in my life, I had withdrawn for many months into a friends garage apartment and spent most of my time as an absolute recluse.   According to the doctor I was having a panic attack every hour. Perhaps I had a bit of post traumatic stress disorder too at the time, given the history I won’t give in detail herein, that is probably true. Unfortunately the medicine they gave me made me feel like bugs were crawling under my skin, all over my body for a few hours, I couldn’t sleep for days and felt like pulling off my own skin, it was an itchy irritation I will never forget… I decided not to take more of it and spoke to God – inner voice, whatever you call it – through the attacks instead.  This was the beginning of my journey with natural medicine, celery being the first. In the public health system no one ever follows up on you and mails you whether or not you will make your next appointment so people like me just move on and deal with it in our own ways.  The psychiatric ward in fact, never contacted me and I did go and sit there for an entire day waiting to see someone, which resulted in a one time 6 month supply of the medicines.  I only took the medicine that calmed my heart rate, as I started to exercise again and change where I slept, as well as, everything I was doing and eating.

The reason I am sharing this, is that I was deeply sad and I had very little still after all these years, just gypsying around, as if I was waiting for something, letting my pride keep me in survival mode, for several years. I had given up entirely, and was left gasping quite literally for my breath.  I have returned full circle to this breaking point in empathy, as I type now.  To some, this off-grid way of life, eating more out of garden, foraging and trading more than finding what is needed in shops and markets is honorable and inspiring – in fact I meet many people leaving behind good jobs, good relationships, abandoning the system of money so to speak, for this gypsying homeless material-less way of living, that I adopted as my survival mode.  To others, it is  a way of life that exhibits no self love or self respect whatsoever.  I have shared in the shame and sadness from both perspectives.  In my opinion, poverty is a choice we create based on our subconscious judgements.  I am learning that abundance is and always was for everyone.  A currency is not something you base your value on, how much currency you have does not determine your access to abundance.  Clearing subconscious judgements is an entirely different subject, but a very necessary part of healing, and accessing this abundance. It seems never-ending.

I felt anger, I pushed the only person I let near me away over and over, until we both finally remained silent.  Completely alone for a bit.  It was an anger that I did not understand, and loathed.  A very necessary aloneness.  The more I loathed it, the angrier I became, so I smoked more, worked harder despite how run down my system and body became, also, despite how much judgement and disappointment I got from a few interactions with people, because I was not earning a lot of money yet, and they could not seem to fathom why I seemed so strong and content without it at times.   I also seemed all over the place, and like I was running all the time, an absolute mess in my personal space as it was within.  I forgot to eat on time too many times, for too long.  I lost weight quickly.  I was completely run down and emotional all the time.

In a notebook, I have written about how I felt like an end, not wanting to do anything anymore because it seems that one can dress your space with nice clothes, a car, a dining table …. All that home stuff, and the right brands and you have “LOVE” lol seems so ridiculous and untrustworthy to me.  In fact in business, once you pay money to print up a signboard for example, instead of hand-painting it, people start buying more of what you sell, in most urban societies.  If I get a vehicle that is second hand and old from cash I save for over 3 years instead of a brand new one, my teas will be selling slower.  I hope to change that.  I wrote about my homeless assistant working on his own volition at times, to finish my garden perimetre without being paid and enduring my moods… how for that reason, among others, like a man offering me a car and others bringing plants and seeds or whatever I needed along my gypsying path, I got up to continue day after day, making the garden at Pirates.  That the Universe or God was screaming at me literally ‘ get up and walk’….  While my heart broke and all the sadness of all my life flowed through me, because of how people responded to my reality in different ways (their own perceptions often left me awakened) leaving me in some weird way refreshed, especially at a moment of absolute abandonment.  I am deeply grateful for it, not because I blamed the person that abandoned me but because I realized how hard she tried to break this wall down, how it destroyed parts of her and myself too.   I needed to let go.

So much anger, and confusion and sadness as a result of putting it all out there literally and getting what felt like judgements and disbelief in return.  I felt absolutely worthless, hopeless and at the mercy of strangers for too many years, and I started to listen again to my inner self or God – like I say – whatever you call it.  I am deeply grateful to some of these strangers who are becoming true friends.

Here it is then…or is it the time is now? The time to STOP…. in fact it is not yet time, I dont know this yet but it’s another month and a bit before I really do stop smoking so much, and being such a reclusive hermit, and to stop getting sidetracked by some search for love or community to lift me out of this empathy that I literally fed off of.

I try to create a day to stop completely and start this document instead.  In the process, I change the name several times varying from 40 dayze to the last 40 dayze to what it is now awakening to living from the core, and later Healing with the Core…the reality… I feel this is appropriate considering my past and present, as so many things manifest from my deepest desires before me now, to lift me somehow away from whatever parasitic or egotistical or self loathing being I became.  My mother earth carries me, quite literally, and I am sure it is much the same for many.

I want to scream.  I  will take a bath instead.

The sadness from thoughts of suicide and misunderstood expressions of it dissipates again.  I am tired of feeling sad, I loathe this feeling and I do not understand.  I wake and shout at my mind, shout at my body, shout at God to take this away.  I am angry and begin to lose the feeling that I should be entitled to abundance, that I need it and that I do not deserve it.

As a long term marijuana abuser or user I can honestly say that it is not possible for me to function as a stoner in some societies and in most forms of work and creativity.  We become stoners when we overuse this medicine, and it destroys our minds quite literally, in my opinion, much the same as too much coffee damages our gall bladder, making us feel run down and nauseous instead of giving us a boost of energy…. It is not possible because I do not stay in my mind in one place or in my body at times, it feels that way anyway.  If I suddenly stop, I am very depressed and angry and irrational with anyone, even a 5 year old recently   The sadness of my situation is from one perspective quite debilitating and numbing, and the passion and dedication displayed in the attempts I’ve made to work through this with God or Mother Earth, however you perceive, it is what is causing people to connect around me in their communities, which is what anyone’s purpose is I believe.

This is the reason I do not change where i am or what I am doing and everything at once again, I have done that 4 times in my life already.  Change is definitely as good as a holiday, but if the result of 22 years of marijuana smoking is this kind of rollercoaster, and isolation or abandonment is the result then this problem perhaps is my mind or something within the chemicals in my brain.   I do wonder what if I had taken more of those creepy pills years ago?  We are what we eat literally, and it is recorded in many medical texts that Marijuana causes some kind of imbalance in brain tissue and brain chemicals, affecting mood mostly.  I want to make it clear again, that I do not believe anyone’s state of being can be defined or tainted by one imbalance – as one is never out of balance in only one part at a time, and besides, right now my heart has been breaking for a quite some time as well.

Damaged or not, beyond all this hurt and sadness I do love my SELF and you should feel that way about your own self too.  Its this self love that makes me take a bath and continue to live

I’ve shared this as it happens as it is so that it’s not just a simple Day 1 and a list of symptoms like anger, nihilism, suicidal etc so many go through this.  Marijuana is not the same as stopping alot of chocolate and bananas, and I have got some serious depression going on here.  I believe Marijuana is a powerful medicine and if abused as I have abused it results in the above-mentioned kind of debilitating empathy and depression for many.   So what do we do?  What does SANCA offer long term marijuana users as mood stabilizers?  I am in contact with them regarding this, and hopefully they will share some of the natural medicines more widely in the future.  What are natural mood stabilizers?

I know that at some point I will be making use of the following plants as mood stabilizers.

1. Sceletium
2. Ginko Biloba
3. Goto Kola –  centella
4. Rosemary

On a random time I took a walk from my garden past a house, and the owner outside invited me in for coffee.  I didn’t tell him much about myself but rather my ideas about urban farmers and community development.  He gave me R2000 cash to start learning to drive.  It is still surreal.  In that moment, I don’t know whether to cry or say fuck you to be honest.  I asked him if he was sure about giving it to me, and he giggled, ‘no, I am not, are you?’.  I also headed out with him and his mum into the mountains where they are working on a food forest.  It was beautiful and humbling in the sense that much of what I imagine I would want to own or create for myself exists there already.  E.G a solar heated bathtub on top of a cliff overlooking the mountains with a waterfall on the left.  Isolation still though but I may be there to change that two weeks a month.   This means I will be in two worlds still, still creating, still awakening to living from core.

I felt very sore and sick from a lack of stable eating, lack of sleep, the anger, the sadness, a fall that resulted in a huge bruise on my butt and a swollen bicep, with lacerations on the inside of my left hand.  A fantastic simulation of pain that seemed to flash through me resulting in some form of happiness, as I fell, seemed rather strange.  I stood up from that with gratitude.

I was bedridden with flu, after this trip and it became a very nihilistic few days in which I considered all the reasons one can fathom to end such a lifetime… I stand, just the way I am supposed to be placed into a reality of my own dreams coming true.  It is teaching me that abundance is really always there, always was and always will be.  We just need to learn to trust it.  I found, I no longer desired anything and then everything I ever desired presented itself.

TO BEGIN this detox needs to get real.  I need to really stop smoking.  This flu has left me with heart palpitations and chest pains of note. I am not diligent in drinking water but I have managed to start feeding myself meals that are not just soups or pasta.  I am deeply sad still, even though I am earning eight times the income I had and having a beautiful mountain space to go garden in and stay in for at least two weeks each month.   I am sad because I am alone.  I embrace this and decide to reach out to the woman I love, I am ignored mostly.  Eventually I get a angry response, and I respond with the love I do possess.  I am not sure we will ever be friends.  To forgive takes time, and when one does forgive, it does not create the changes one desires in those we forgive, or delete their subconscious judgements that cause them to treat us so badly.  We must learn to love without understanding.

This flu lasted almost 5 weeks.  I bombed my body with tissue salts, garlic, ginger, tumeric, cayenne pepper, african wormwood, olive leaf and echinacea extract and eventually snake oil… smoking alot of marijuana in between just to ease the discomfort.  I stop taking anything and I let it ride its journey through my body.  Now I am detoxing off of anti-inflamatories too, goodness…. I stop smoking so much.  I start to walk again in the city.  I try to reach out to society on facebook to come assist in the garden at Pirates or to contact me if any of my proposed ideas are wanted.  I get one response.  It is a response I cannot honor until I have actually earned the first months full salary or get funding or donations of soil from community.  I am not sure I will honor it, and the few that know me tell me to stop running away.

I plan another garden, one that will be started in the mountains this week.  I prepare myself to be healed and restored in doing this.  I go shopping for the first time in years not for anything I need – i don’t rush in and out reading labels of products I am not familiar with, I don’t get anxious in the mall for a change, I don’t get a headache trying to be normal anymore.  I laugh, it’s quite an ironic and biased community in this city – everyone consuming and literally pushing each other out the way to throw around abundance they think they earned?

I am not sure where my journey will lead me but this blog is a huge part of mine, a record of all the ups and downs that, like so many in my life, always lead me to be alone in nature and with God for a certain time.  Out in the mountains, there are 5 workers, hundreds of hectares of unused land and a small village of people I am yet to meet.  I will walk with the plant healers and learn, I will map out trails I explore with a compass, a machete, some paper and my pencil among other things. I will start and grow an awesome medicine and food garden, that will supply more tisanes or teas to any city, and add to subscription food boxes. I will fearfully shape shift and awaken to living from the core.  Human interaction, and this flu and the attempts I’ve made in the city to be free to enjoy it, have not killed me, neither did my wish for death or any of my past shit.  I surrendered.

Whatever perception you, as the reader have of me or my expressions are yours alone.  I can only hope to continue to inspire and empower people along with myself through this blog.  If you are a marijuana smoker, smoke less, make some cookies once a month instead, use the plant medicines I mentioned I would be using to stabilize your moods and make the detox as mindfully pleasant as possible.   Choose life, realize that when you let it ALL GO &  TRUST there really is a whole lot more energy, clarity, production and reward.

If you would like to sign up for a food box, seeing as it’s already growing in Westbury, please send me an email nntreasure@gmail.com because I will be on and off signal at least two weeks every month.  I will post about what is being done in the mountains as I go along, healing with the land

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for letting me know you want a food box full of naturally grown edibles and medicinals.