Monthly Archives: February 2019
This post is for everyone that ever crossed my path.
You can step so far back from the world that surrounds you, and limit what you put inside your mind to such a degree that it becomes you. I could have become a plant perhaps, I am quite sure I have come close to such a transmutation.
This year I decided to step back into the world of cash and electronic transfers, people, cars, roads that are tarred and shops. It is a world I know very little about. A world I lived past, much the same way Ive observed people living past each other. I got a job with temporary accommodation. This year also started with a lot of pain – on most known levels, and though I have much healing left to do, I am by God’s grace gifted with some labor, cash, tea sales, accommodation, water and electricity (missing a gas stove, and being barefoot though 
One week into my transformation or job I feel like the past few years are falling like dominos laying out some path, to which I surrender with awe, humor and confusion. I walk the land on the properties, and play my guitar. Inside I am learning self love, being guided again by my passions for plants, gardens, teas, arts and crafts. I say fare well to a generous woman and community forming on Cedar Falls, and to the land use agreement with hope that my job will allow me the tools to succeed at naturally growing herbs in bulk, and bringing back food forests of heritage and heirloom foods in communities like these, with very high unemployment and very low self sustainability. My boss is quite an awesome extraordinary chef 
Click on this link to learn more about Millys on the N4 route. It has become a landmark for many tourists and locals. They have been the bulk of my financial support for approximately the past year, in purchasing and selling the teas i grew, dried, cut up and mixed. I was introduced as a gardener to staff, and I hope I am about to change the mindset of what that means. A gardeners purpose, in my opinion, is to assist the earth in healing so that the abundance that existed thousands of years ago may return. OBVIOUSLY this is like any normal job, a probation period of 3 months, nothing is permanent anyway. I find that Im confined by a job description, and within 2 weeks I am already learning the lessons of the importance of FOCUS.
When someone with low and often no income for months jumps in to do the gardens in a different way, gets creative with natural resources and starts recycling crafts, some people perceive it as a shame, some are very negative toward change and new ideas, especially ones that seem to threaten their job security and functionality in business. I can understand that perception, because the concept of alternative currency, love for the earth, connection to the earth energy and the obvious depression that comes with the transference of all these judgments based upon perceptions created by cultural barriers, is easily misinterpreted.
I am in South Africa, outside a small town called Machadodorp, which is mostly looted and has a handful of shops that stock either close to expired items or very limited resources of food, medicine and building materials. It is very difficult to be healthy here without growing your own food and learning about the natural resources that surround us for any culture. And we have quite a diversity of culture here in South Africa. I have felt a great sadness in places where the natural resources are abundant and ignored. I have also felt this sadness in this place, where using the little that exists is seen as a shame or too much of a mission. I am also sure that much of this shame mentality judged upon me, from you and from within myself, is based on my lack of friends in the area, family, clothing, furniture, transport and ability to socialize. Ive lost many of you because of lack of signal or data to communicate. It is a constant redefining of my self, and letting go of my past, a constant learning of other ways. Surely life is not only like this for me. Why are people so set in their ways? Why are we so afraid to really CONNECT?
It has never been a shame for me to throw myself so deeply into the wasted earth spaces and create amazing gardens. It has been a shame that the judgments made people cut me off, set me aside, expect miracles from the earth without showing it some love, and put me in a box. That box I jumped in and out of, too many times. It has been a shame to me that people would rather walk kilometers with headaches and other health issues, smile and take my tea and not use it as instructed, but judged me to be either a sangoma or inyanga or hippy or permaculture expert or literally just quite crazy. I find it quite funny nowadays. If you stop skitting through the text in this blog and actually read it, then I am sure you will see the journey I am loving and appreciating myself for taking.
I know I cut people off and shamed them in much the same way, from my own judgements and perception. I remember living in my tent in the Western Cape, how the rasta community lifted me up and taught me much about plants and gardening. I remember being in Johannesburg, walking past society before traffic, creating the garden at the Pirates Sports Club. I remember stopping by the riverside, and in the parks where the vagrants sleep and becoming the friend they saluted, but never really assisted. I Remember giving away so much fresh heritage and heirloom food to them and seeing it tossed aside into the citys debris. That was a shame. I remember the holy anger in me that caused me to go out of my way, on foot, to show some people at the traffic lights what to do with the rubbish lying around them to make some money, how they threw it at me, especially with the concept of recycling crafts. I remember how many people didnt think volunteering in exchange for a share in the profit or harvest was worth the effort, and all the taboo of tea. It was also a shame that most people that came to connect with me either started their own business with herbs or gardens from our conversations, but never supported my dream of just having a normal life with a home and business that adds value to community and the earth. Yet i have a lot of love and pride for your existence too, because your work is needed and adds value to our societies and earth. Its a shame that I was on a few farms, where I was invited in as part of a community that assisted me with free land use and water, and my goal of farming something that created an income stream for the people owning and struggling on the land. It is a shame that I watched how assisting me with learning how to make a business plan, a proposal, an invoice, how to get funding for more plants and a tunnel never happened based on perceptions of white privileged in this country. It is a shame that I was forced to carry loads of responsibilities that put me in very dangerous and often debilitating situations.
It hurt so deeply that I withdrew more and more to that place where I felt completely helpless, without hope and without support on any level many times, especially when I got injured or sick. I spent nearly 20 years in mostly silence, not looking in the mirror and avoiding society as much as possible. But there is always hope. God always shows you another opportunity, no matter how alone and fucked you are. Its also a shame that expressing everything is a great loss both to me and you, because of boundaries that only separate humanity. It is this journey that caused me to have an undeniable knowing who and what I am that made me step out into this job and accept being introduced as a gardener. It is the letting go of that shame judgmentality that makes me isolate and love myself to the same degree that many living the go to work go home go on holiday mentality do. However i am blessed to have a job that allows me to be me, despite my limitations, despite the many red flags from both sides. I often tell people nowadays that it is good to do something you love, even if just for a minute, after years you will find it becomes you. I have a love for art, gardening and awesome tea and healthy food. It is also a lesson that it is not lucrative to just do what you love, then do it as a job – that thing you love ends up becoming quite a consuming hate. We need balance. We are human. We are always growing and changing, the things we do can either energize us or destroy us. We should be fueled by our passions, not consumed by them. There is a time to do things we love for ourselves, a time to do it for others and a time to do it for the lifestyle rewards that come with it.
This journey has taken me to the point of completely giving up my dreams and my self, made me so sick that the depression gripped me into a vortex of wanting and even praying for death to come. To the point of what seems like no return to any relationships that I so deeply cherished and stepped away from because of love for the earth and the people supposedly owning it. It led me to discover my pride, my prejudice, my purpose, my passions, my faith and my desires. To thrive in anger, to surrender in despair and hope that comes from so many situations where it seemed it was the end of my life. I will forever remember all the times I was left alone and strangers came and assisted me with food, clothing, transport, a roof over my head and all the stuff that kept me alive and safe from harm. It is because of you that I will always believe that God has a purpose for me on this earth, and that I will always continue to try and live from my core.
I have always been grateful, and hope that we may meet again.
Thankyou for all the likes, shares, comments, random buys, gossip and stuff that kept me alive. I hope that you learn the value of your exchanges and gifting, and that it returns to you tenfold.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU ALL
